“Fear is a great motivating factor but you can find no happiness in things achieved by fear alone.
“It is perfectly normal, not to be okay, to chase after things that drive and give you peace, closure, most people you see who project to the outside world, how happy they are- are faking it. And you don’t have to live up to them or anything they suggest”
Everyone’s lives are dictated by “have-to-do’s” and “want-to-do’s”. In simple terms we are motivated by”fear and love” or “reward and punishment”. So what happens when we mix up the two separate courses of action? What happens when we don’t have time for what we love because we are occupied by the “have-to-do’s” and vice-versa?. Numerous motivational books and gurus ask you to first abandon anything you don’t want to do and leave everything behind for whatever you “love” doing. Unfortunately a lot of people aren’t given that luxury to just drop their responsibilities and transition into goal-chasing. Even among the things we have put on the bucket list or recognise as ambition, may not be things we “Love” doing but things we want to do to “prove” something to somebody else.
25 years old :I worked harder than a draught animal to achieve my goals and I burnt out. Trying to start over, my mind kept going back to my favorite TV shows. Rewind to 15 years old : expectations about the ideal life and how wanted to put my brain to use were taking shape.It was something about that time that was feeding my soul. Where I thought my answers lay.
I binged through The Mentalist, all 8 seasons of Castle, and in the midst of Season 6 of Criminal Minds, I could abstractly feel what was eating me from within. These were all TV shows I watched when I was , Me. After which being me wasn’t so easy and I HAD to be someone else for everybody else. Now, I think I can breath freely. A TV show can help?, Well , YES. TV shows, books, the right people, experiences, anything that might give you closure CAN help.
The key to not waste the years alive chasing after things that require another person’s approval of defeat or success is- To figure out doing that which truly makes you happy or brings you satisfaction. It is easier to prove something to yourself, than to someone else, whose thoughts we have zero control upon.
But the first step to helping yourself, is being able to seperate your own thoughts and voice from your parents, friends,spouse, children, professors, neighbors, bugging relatives and so on. Until you establish that any pain or need you feel is YOURS and only yours, you cannot start working on it. If you already feel isolated from everyone else, that might be EASIER.
Human beings by essential seek approval, guidance, opinion from peers, it is difficult to completely throw in the trash any sort of interaction. So, what can we do ? Where do we draw the line and for what aspect of our lives do we draw one?
Everyday checklist of a normal life
- Which you have to for survival or living- eating, bathing.
- Saving/ earning money or helping someone in the family who puts food on the table.
- Live peacefully and securely with people you care for or alone,
- Don’t feel intimidated, insulted or left out by peers
- Personal satisfaction.
Is there something you CAN’T live without? Focus on that first. That is a little above physiological needs like food or water in the Maslow’s Hierarchy triangle. I didn’t have No. 4 and No.5 and it drove me mad, landing a job, and scheduling my house and day helped over-come that feeling of emptiness.
It is easy to get lost among the flood of posts and content in the age of social media. We all know we should NOT compare our successes and failures with our facebook friend/ college mate but we do. Should you chase after something your nemesis has achieved just because you hate being behind them? How long can one run when its fear and hate that is fuelling them? It will eventually wear down and drain all the happy-energy one has, because you are virtually living SOMEONE ELSE’s life without paying heed to what is close to your heart. If you truly figure out what you love and HOW to do what you LOVE, you will feel like a WINNER, every SINGLE day you are alive.
Maintaining a hand written journal is a good way to keep track of thoughts and plan schedules, targets. Writing down things that affect you the most , everyday, like identifying emotional road-blocks can help, sometimes they may-be the result of
1.Pushing yourself to do something for someone else’s approval ie., deep inside you don’t like. Eg: learning a particular language or a new skill that you don’t find amusing but you have to, because its mandatory for the locality or workplace.
2. You may want to get there but don’t like the process- Eg, You may want to get fit but don’t like the exercise routine.
Or the physical road-blocks there are:
For example: You love an art-class but you live, very far away and have time or distance constraints.
Sometimes, these get inter-twined: You can’t live without taking that art-class but your job/family-member/financial situation prevents you from taking one. In the classic case of “en-twinement, instead of working on fixing the problem, we start blaming our fate and the people in our lives, only to realize very late that your life needs NOBODY’s approval nor has fate a PREFERRED WAY playing out. The sad but very real truth is that, 90% of the time, we are in full control of most situations that WE face. But we are too blind to see that its easier to make changes in our lifestyle, thoughts and plan of action than waste time blaming things we don’t control- OTHER PEOPLE and FATE.
Remember that it may take months or years to get to that state of mental homeostasis where you don’t have to go to extremes to get anything done, all that matters is that you follow what affects you the most, either fear, love or both, just START.
Fate is just a fancy way of saying: There are too many objects and factors in the world, both living and non-living, that are intertwined, those many entwined spaces which I have to cross everyday- is FATE.